Decisions

Dear World

Please Kill Me,

Greetings, and happy Tuesday my stoically cynic storytellers (I know, I know -no alliteration, but it works audibly). I hope you all enjoyed your extended weekend (and subsequent delving into your existential thoughts), speaking of my parenthetical jabber -I’ve got some thoughts. Or rather, contemplation.

When is enough, enough? A pretty straight forward question – but is it? How many days can be spent in the rat race of life? How many false hellos and somber goodbyes must we all partake in, before we decide -fuck it?

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t some self pitying manifesto of crisis. More so, just pondering thought. As I sit here (at work), I’m just trying to understand the point of it all. I’m here because bills need to be paid, insurance must be had, and public perception holds (way too much) sway. But what’s it really for- if there’s no light at the end of this tunnel?

One of my co-workers passed away recently (hold on don’t scroll away yet). Though it was a loss, it made me begin to think about my own place in this world, (internalizing external issues- as people do). Fighting my own emotion about it, I just thought “Wow, he’s gone. People barely noticed”. Maybe  I’m being dramatic, but these were my thoughts.

The weeks following his death , I’ve gone back and forth with the decision to just quit this place and leave the consequences to fate -while I chase my goals. I’ve even got a plan –

1.) Liquidate 401k.

2.) Quit, in dramatic fashion (I’m talking fireworks, cheerleaders, and walking away from the resulting chaos without looking) #boss.

3.) Write my little author heart out until something finally breaks through.

4.) Find, and marry Scarlett Johansson.

I know, naive – but the fantasy is still enjoyable.

Of course, there are smarter ways to do this. Unfortunately,I may have exhausted my patience with the matter. So here’s the beard, here’s the “I’m so sad” weight gain, and obviously the “plead to the universe” blog post. Let’s nix the bullshit – when is enough, enough?

I’m not sure if it’s my need to please people, my fear of failure, disembodied angst, (pineapple and olive pizza), whatever the antagonizer may be, it’s got to end. Sad thing is, it took me this long to realize that I’m the Batman of this story, and my life is Gotham.

So I’ve got to take the reigns here. You know that jolt that everyone waits for? The one that changes everything. Turns out, that we must muster the strength to catalyze that ourselves. Maybe I’m late, but better now -than 75. My point being that, I refuse to be stuck anymore, (and I’ll be having a stern internal dialogue with myself for letting it get this far).

When is enough , enough? Right fucking now. And there’s never been a better time.

That’s my soapbox moment for the day. I hope you all checked out my Lifehack article and my Labor day podcast. If you click the words , they’ll bring you right to the links. As always -shares, comments, likes, etc are welcome and appreciated. See you guys tomorrow for my daily dose of whatever it is that I do.

Go punch Tuesday in the nether regions,

-Antwan Crump.

 

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