*Announcer: Welcome ladies and gents to this installment of “Tales On Acid”. Presented to you in full technicolor by way of terribleminds.com.
And now your Host and Narrator : Antwan Crump
Sue-Rex and the Hunchback
By: Antwan Crump
He’s a hunchbacked-advertising executive, with a love for bananas; She’s a nymphomaniac-paleontologist, with a bag of horse meat. Together, they fight crime.
Scene: Office –
“Susan? Susan? Susan!” Frank scours the office floor, shouting her name. She never answers. Not when she was doing something -off. “Susan!” he screams, wobbling through the halls. He hates being ignored. His senseless raging throws him off balance, causing him to tip -hump first- into the wall, knocking down the fire extinguisher. We could probably market that – he thinks. “Instant safety, in the darnedest of times!” – Frank never keeps the punchline to himself.
He smiles at his own brilliance. Moans interrupt his self-aggrandizing. “Uhhh….uhh..” Susan, (he thinks) the sound’s all too familiar. “That bitch! Again!” Frank follows the sounds of ecstasy -his anxiety mounts as the moans grow louder.
He tracks them down to the women’s bathroom. He halts his hunt. “Okay. Okay. Okay” he says to himself gripping the doorknob -hoping that Susan hears his lowly spoken plea. He flings the door open “Susan!” he gasps. “Are those my . Oh God.” Frank hurries out of the room, to his office. Susan removes the fruits from her orifices (laughing hysterically as she does so).
Her cackles send a chill up Frank’s spine “It was a god damn set-up” he mutters to himself -realizing that he had been led (yet again) into one of Susan’s dubious pranks. Susan approaches the office, stopping just outside of the doorway and growls “Rawr! Rawr! Rawr!” Frank’s head drops, he knows what’s coming next.
Every Monday, he thinks. Susan leaps in front of the door, and thrusts her hips back and forth -throwing her arms along with the imaginary song in her head – she sings “You know what they’re back for? Know what they’re back for?” Frank tries his best to ignore her antagonistic jingle. She continues her tune “They came back for me. They came back for me.” Frank reaches for the banana he keeps hidden in his desk for emergencies. Susan concludes her rap “Cause they dig paleontologists. Dig, paleontologists. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig.”
“Susan!” Frank interrupts. Susan freezes, in her crouched, over-excited pose. “Sue, could you please, for the love of all that is holy; put on some mother-loving pants?”, Susan loves his rage, to her – it meant that he cared. “Oh Frank!” she says passively (as was her normal tone). “Is this about the bananas?”
Franks face turns beet-red. He inhales deeply, to quell the murderous thoughts in his psyche. “No, Susan. This stopped being about banana rape, when you stepped into my office, sans- trou.” Susan stands up straight, and asks (genuinely curious) “Is that a font?” Frank grips his emergency banana, hard enough, that it bleeds through the peel, and onto his knuckles. “It means, without trousers. His teeth grind as he informs her of a fact, she had heard and forgotten. “Well, I wore a skirt today. So you would have been mad anyway” she teases.
Susan saunters over to Franks guest chair -bare-assed- taps him on his hunch and inquires, “So what’s the haps’ hunch-back?” His anger had its’ limits. He was unsure when it happened, but somehow Frank had found Susan’s lustful playfulness quite amusing, (though she had to break him first).
“We’ve got three twenty two’s and double seven.” Frank informs, as his breathing calms. “If we go about this right, it should be pretty open and shut. I’d like to leave now, but that would require the double X chromosome in the room (his voice cracks) to put on some -damn pants!”
Susan rubs her hand on Franks hump -he knew this was her sign of affection- and says with confidence “Oh Frank. The twenty two’s were handled yesterday.” Frank lifts his head , and looks at Susan -in bewilderment. “Oh, yea. That’s why I was having my banana party. When you left last night -without giving me any of that sweet Notre-Dame tang- I’m very offended by that by the way.”
“Susan!” Frank intervenes “What Frank?!” “Can you please get to the twenty-two’s?” ” Oh right, when you left, I stayed after hours and did some digging. You get it? You get it Frank?” Frank lowers his head, and knocks it against the desk, over and over.
Watching this Susan follows, knocking her head against the other end, continuing “Well when you left, I did some digging, and realized that it has to be the Blank-Thunder. Who else would take that much joy in butchering innocent animals. Well that and some other things.”
“Some other things like what?”Frank asked -as the nerves in his stomach boil- his panic, expresses itself as a combination of burps, sweat, and flatulence. Susan smiles, kisses him on the lips, and whispers “Be right back hun’.” Susan dances out of the room, again singing her song “They dig, paleontologists. Dig. Dig. Dig.” Frank hates when she was this unhinged. His anger diffuses at the sight of Susan’s perfect round ass.
Assuming he has time before her return, Frank takes a walk down the street to buy more bananas, “This time two emergency ones. Yea that’ll get her.” He says aloud with a crick in his smile. The vendor looks at him with disgust, and parents pull their children closer -put off by his appearance and lone conversation. Immune to this – he thinks of his potassium, solving the case, how to continue selling “Sue-Rex and the Hunchback” merchandise, and of course, Susan’s perfect round ass.
Returning to the office building, Frank notices something strange. The doors were locked. In all the years that he and Susan had operated, the doors were never locked. He remembers this because it’s his favorite thing to chastise Susan about.
He drops the bag of bananas. Drawing his weapon- he enters the room.”Uhhh…Uhhhh” The moans, he thinks. He looks to the bananas , seeing them safe , he cocks his gun “The bananas are fine? Sue must be in trouble “.
The moans grow louder, as he closes in on his office. Peaking in he sees Susan laid on her back, being continually penetrated by “The Blank -Thunder!” Frank’s screams, causing an immediate pause to the fornication. “Damn it, Frank! I was so close!” Susan accuses. The Blank-Thunder turns, startled – and near completion. Susan grabs a paperweight from the desk and bashes him (The Blank-Thunder) in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.
“Sue, what the hell is all of this?” Frank asks , surveying the disheveled condition of his office. “Well you left, so I had to improvise.” Susan hops off of the desk, readjusts her skirt , proceeding “Frank, I give you the OTB Dahmer.” Frank drops his weapon and questions “The OTB Dahmer?” He thinks, not a bad hook, but as always kept those thoughts to himself.
“Yep, that’s right. Turns out paleontologists, aren’t the only thing this creep eats. Check it out. Evidence” Susan drops a clear bag on the table, containing red liquid. “What the hell is that?” Frank asks. The Blank-Thunder groans on the floor, Susan promptly kicks him -again in the head. “That right there Frank, is a bag of horse meat. This creep has been eating the ponies. And not in the ‘all girls school, let’s experiment’ way.” Frank is stunned at Susan’s conclusion, however incredulous – The Blank-Thunder had done more implausible things than this in the past. The two share a smile and call the authorities.
Hours later, the sun now set, Frank fiddles with the days paper work. Susan sits pant-less in her office -playing with her dinosaur figurines. The phone rings, Frank doesn’t answer. Concerned, Susan goes to his office, and watches as Frank calmly eats a banana, oblivious of the intruding sound. “You gonna answer that stumpy?” Susan asks (as seductively as she can) Frank remains silent, chewing on his banana – peel and all. “Frank?!” Susan queries again, with concern. Frank turns his head slowly, and stops just beside the dimmed light on his desk before responding “Maybe not tonight, it’s been a bit of a long day.
“Come on stump a lump, this is what we signed up for.” Susan was always persistent when it came to this part of the job. Frank remained still. The phone rang. ” Okay, how about this dumbwaiter?” Susan walks up behind Frank and rubs his obtuse shoulders with care. “I get something, you get something.”
The phone continues to ring as Susan has peaked Franks interest. “We go on this one call tonight, and I’ll…” Susan whispers inaudibly into Franks ear, as a smile stretches across his face -he spits out his banana and answers. “Sue-Rex and the Hunchback; at your service.”
After some moments of back and forth, Frank hangs up the phone, stands, hugs, Susan, and whispers in her ear “We can market this. Get your cape.” The two kiss before they don their attire, and head out -into the treacherous night.
*Announcer: Wasn’t that some creepy S#!T????!!!! Tune in next time for some more, Tales On ACID!