Dear World

Please Kill Me,

Greetings and happy Monday, my waffle fueled fondler’s of …of… #Uhm. Ah, screw it, how the hell are ya? (#KeepItSimple #NoOneElseWill #EarlyBirdie)

Should you have had no lives this weekend then I’m assuming (that like a goodly portion of the world) you were plopped down in front of the ole (screeny-tube of death-rays?) television (also yes), laptop, phone, tablet, or wherever you could get a screen (#WhereCan’tYou?) to watch Stranger Things 2.

I, (the lone rogue warrior that I am #CoffeeBreath) have actually been avoiding the show for some time. That was because I was totally under the belief that no horror movie/show centered around kids in a small town could be any good (or bad, #OrEvenExist) without Stephen King’s involvement (#IT #CultPhenom #HailTheKing).

Therefore, when I’d first seen the trailers and heard the buzz, I quickly rebuffed “Eleven” and her waffle fetish. However, after a year of people not shutting up about it (and absolutely zero weekend plans that didn’t include seeing either A.) Pennywise the Clown B.) Heath Ledger Joker or C.) Gal Gadot impersonators) I figured, fcuk it, let’s binge both seasons.

Now, before I get into my jargon, I would like to preface this by saying that I do in fact love the series—with that being said, I have some questions.

Season 1

1.) Who THE HELL IS THE MAIN CHARACTER!!!! (IT BETTER NOT BE NANCY!)

2.) So are we just NOT going to talk about how Hopper WENT FULL-ON DAREDEVIL!

3.) At what point do we accept that Winona Ryder had to already be crazy as cat-sh!t before Will went missing, in order to find him?

4.) How long is Nancy keeping her old clothes for? Convenient…but weird. (Sidenote: How many random little girls is Mike bringing home on the regular? #JustSaying).

5.) I respect that Lucas’s race only comes up subtly (#ThatIsAll).

6.) Is it just me or did we kind of just stop caring about Eleven, until she robbed the grocery store?

7.) R.I.P. Barb (Yea….. the way she went out was kind of cold-blooded. Chicks before d!cks, Nancy….Chicks before d!cks….#ChicksB4Dicks #Feminism).

Season 2

1.) Seriously though, WHO THE HELL IS THE MAIN CHARACTER (IT STILL BETTER NOT BE NANCY!!!)

2.) Nancy getting a lot of screentime, I’m not liking this. What’s going on?

3.) NOT YOU TOO, JONATHAN!!!! NOOOOO!!! #JUSTICE4STEVE 

(I’m gonna be honest here….a lot of my season two queries are just bashing Nancy and Jonathan’s story arc. #I’llMoveOn)

4.) So, at what point do we give up on Will? (I’m not saying that we should…I’m just asking…It’s like an every year thing with this kid).

5.) Did anyone else see that whole MadMax plotline going nowhere from the start? (Seems like another show’s going on with her.#MadMaxSpinoff? #TheUpSideOfDown?)

6.) I’m calling it now…Eleven gets her own show, where she’s basically Bruce Banner with telekinesis. (#HeardItHereFirst #WhyAmIGivingEveryoneSpinoffs?)

I feel like that’s enough of my Stranger Things thoughts for one post. I’ll let you guys know if I have any other questions, but–as I said, I love the show, (I hate that I’m caught up).

Feel free to like, share, comment, (or even answer my questions). And, if you haven’t seen it yet, I’d highly recommend it (assuming that you can etch out a day or two #Bingeworthy.)

Speaking of Strange Things: My book, Red Matter: A Collection of Things is Available NOW!!!!

Feel free to buy (it’s 99¢), like, share, comment, (fondle gently?), and of course READ the damn thing. I had a great time writing it and I think that a lot of you (particularly those of you who like my weird sh!t) will enjoy greatly.

And, that about wraps it up for me. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to go boycott the burgeoning love between two characters whose names rhyme with Nancy and Jonathan (Spoiler Alert: It’s, Nancy and Jonathan #Justice4Steve).

Anywho, I’ll see you all before Season 3 with more thought-words from my now-memories.

Conquer Your Monday,

–Antwan Crump.