Please Kill Me,
Greetings my earthly tethered friends. How was your Monday, (at least I think that’s the date)? *stares at sky* “The days have become one -on this battlefield” ( Geez, I’ve gotta lay off the sauce). Any who.
Damn! I think that I may have missed the East Coast Heat Wave. Oh, my…how out of touch that work has brought me. Whatever. I’ve got AC, I’m getting a pizza. Olive and pineapple (Yea, I’ve seen Deadpool too).
At some point I’ll find a life, but for now – I suppose this is the part that’ll later refer to as – ” Times that I remember fondly” ( though I’ll likely have zero recollection).
This is how it goes I suppose, ( time flies when you’re making shit up). But don’t feel bad, it’s a growing pain moment. It’s one those unavoidable truths that comes with pursuing a passion. The sacrifice is more of an investment (and God Damn It, I’ve been Wall Steeting the HELL out of my life lately).
I apologize for stream of consciousness, but I promise there’s a point.
Someone asked me today what drives me. I knew what catalyzed me to begin this journey, and as far as what pushes me to do it currently – to be honest it’s become habit. All the things that once mattered kind of fell away – I suppose that exposed them as irrelevant- but I try not to think about ( Yea, they’re irrelevant). My life is built around writing.
So, that question made me think, why the sacrifice? Have I gone too deep? Too disconnected? Damn I hate those thoughts, but to ignore them -especially when I can’t define my drive- gives them power. Why the sacrifice?
I have a fundamental belief that I’m doing the right thing. Though it’s not completely clear, there’s just this little voice that tells me it’s worth it. In reality, I can’t see myself doing anything else. But I needed to define it. If for no other reason than for peace of mind.
I pondered this for a bit, and as many of you can probably guess the doubt came. (FUCKKKK!!!! Bad timing.) I attempted to farm out the negative thinking to a few friends ( bad move). I don’t think they got the message -that I’m happy with my path- most of the encouragement came the form of “It’s not too late to stop!” ( Gee, thanks guys. *rolls eyes*)
Back to inside my mind, I retreated. What drives me? Why the sacrifice? I had to walk and walk I did. Feeling the brunt of the heat wave (for probably the first time in weeks) I pulled out my phone and noted the various sensations. A character popped into my mind. When I got home, I began writing a short story.
In that moment, I felt it. The doubt fell away. The questions disintegrated. I kept writing. I had my answer
So, why the sacrifice? What drives me?
The sacrifice isn’t that. I’m not giving up anything. I’m embracing who I was meant to be. What drives me, isn’t a word -it’s an essence. It’s who I am, it’s what I do. It’s the first breath I take when I wake, and the last before I sleep. It’s just me. Running from that, trying to define something so simple, so that others could understand – that would be the true sacrifice.
I’m driven by the story. Both the ones I’ve told and the one that I’m living. If you need more than that to “get it”, your welcome to read my work.
Why am I telling you this? Because I genuinely believe that all of you have that thing in your life, that you can’t quite define, but that defines you. I believe that all writers, painters, singers, athletes, etc. – are that thing. It’s your soul.
Well, that got deep. I guess that’s what happens sometimes. For anyone struggling with those thoughts – or who will- I hope this post helps and that you keep it in mind.
That being deeply said *removes Buddhist garbs*, that was my round-a-bout way of letting you know SHORT STORY TOMORROW BITCHES! ( I don’t mean to call you bitches, I just don’t know all of your names individually).
And that’s that…
Go punch Tuesday’s teeth in,