Dear World

Please Kill Me,

Greetings, and happy Monday, my pretentious pariahs of the night–poking holes in thoughts and spilling coffee on newborns– how the hell are ya?

Well, it’s late on a Monday morning and your favorite sociopath (#Me #BetterBeMe) is already hard at work on yet another one of my imaginary adventures, (that’s right #RedMatter is done, and NOW I HUNT OTHER THINGS!!!!).

*twiddles thumbs*

*itches bum*

But, before I get into the thick of my creative strife, I want to talk to you about something near and dear to my heart. That thing is, of course, flies. The annihilation of flies. Finding the creator of flies and WATERBOARDING HIM/HER IN THE BODIES OF THEIR BUZZING CHILDREN!!!!!!, trying to cope with a minor annoyance.

So, as some of you know (and others don’t care) I’ve been in California for a little while now–almost a year, if I had to guess. Now, though it took some time adjusting to: the vast amounts of sunshine, eternal good weather, every day barbeques, and open beaches (#HumbleBrag #NotSoHumble #IFeedOnYourEnvy), I’d like to think that I’ve acclimated well enough.

Despite my fervor in adaptation, there are some (billions) of things that I simply can not find the calm to properly get accustomed to. That thing is flies. For those of you who’ve never been, California is f*cking filled with them. (They’re in the walls, they’re in the skies, THEY’RE IN YOUR MOTHERFCUKIN” DREAMS!!!!!!) I can’t stand them.

But, I’m trying to keep my cool. (I WAS READING THE FIRM AND ONE OF THEM JUST LANDED IN THE CREASE OF THE PAGE. SO, I SLAMMED IT SHUT!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ITS CORPSE WILL BLEED BETWEEN PAGES 78-79 FOR ETERNITY!!!!!). I think that I’m doing a pretty decent job of keeping a sane head about this.

Anywho, like any sane person does, I got some fly traps, (MURDER TAPE FOR YOU FLYING BASTARDS!!!!). I hung them, just outside and returned to my daily somber activities with a smile and a click of the heels, (BURN IN HELL YOU MULTI-EYED F*CKS!!!!!!!). After that, it was just a regular day.

I would go outside every so often, to sip my coffee (/COUNT THE BODIES!!!!) to find that the fly-traps had been decently effective, (I USED THE BLOOD AS JAM FOR MY TOAST!!!!! I FEAST ON YOUR INSECT REMAINS!!!!). Pleased with this, I smiled again and went off on my merry writer way. (I LEFT ONE ALIVE TO WARN THE OTHERS!!!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE YOU DAMNED DIRTY FLIES!!!)

All was well. (I TRAVERSE THE GLOBE HUNTING THEM NOW!!! FEAR ME!!!)

*packs bag*

So, I guess the takeaway here, is to just keep your cool. Things always seem to work out, when you think it through with a clear mind and a pure soul (I’LL KILL THEM ALL!!!!). Take that with you this week. It’ll be a great one.

Put a smile on,

–Antwan Crump.